I've ben suffering with an infected tooth - the root actually. I woke up with a swelling on my lower left jaw on Saturday and no amount of Advil would touch the pain. I went up the hospital (which is now really just a clinic in this tiny town where I live) and was reprimanded for the amount I took over night - 12 to be exact within an 8 hour period. She gave me a prescription and 10 Percocet for the pain. Hey! I must be a movie star with drugs like this, I thought. To tell you the truth the Percocet didn't do too much but was better than the Advil. I get the tooth pulled tomorrow. My second tooth yanked this winter. At this rate I'll be toothless by the time I'm divorced. Just kidding. Both teeth are way in the back of my mouth and no matter how huge I smile you can't see them. It just makes chewing a little weird.
One thing about all these dental issues I've been having lately - stress attacks your weakest point, some people get zits, some people get colds or flu, I get toothaches - is that it takes my mind off all the other issues. The house has been shown a few times recently but no bites. We are lowering the price by $10,000 hoping that will help. I'm not panicking. I know my stars are inching their way into place and I'm just going to let them inch. My mom told me awhile ago not to fight the bad stuff. Accept the good and the bad equally because it all has to happen in a certain order. I believe this. And so, through all my money problems and my dental issues and the stress of not really knowing where to go or what to do, I'm pretty relaxed. I sleep okay. I have a very strong sense that if I just go with the flow that eventually my life will be, maybe not exactly as I picture my perfect life, maybe it will be better, but most probably it will be different. And this is exciting. I'm ready for a new adventure because I didn't really like the last one. The past 20 years have been hard and not that I need it easy I just want it to be nicer.
This new painting is called Reflection, Three Quarter Moon. It came from a photo my daughter took and I just had to do it for whatever reason. I like it. It's calming. As though the whole world is asleep and everything is very quietly resting, getting ready for something fabulous.

Working on my figurative painting for the exhibit in March. Nearly done. I have my third painting completed and will post it later today when I get the photo printed.
Some more interest in the house lately. A few showings and some calls about the lot. It sure will be nice to get this place out of our hair. But, as long as things progress the way they have been and the plan continues, we won't be able to move to Calgary until summer when the kids get out of school so if the house goes before July I don't know where we'll live. But I don't want to think about that right now. I'll think about that another day.
Oh yeah. I emailed Grant Leier. He has kindly offered to critique my art and give me some direction and tips on marketing. What a nice break. I'm so happy and excited about this but also feeling scared. His paintings (and his wife Nixie Barton's paintings) are so ...well...successful. Mine just don't compare. But thank goodness art is subjective. Look at Jackson Pollock's drips. They are nothing, really, but a big mess and I love them and so do hundreds of other people. Rich people. One of his paintings sold for the most amount of money a painting has ever sold for. Millions of dollars. More than the most expensive Picasso. So don't worry about it, I keep telling myself. One day I will find my own personal Peggy Guggenheim to take me under her/his wing and get my art career going. Yeehawwww!!!!

Here are my first two paintings. The top one called "Toward the Light" was inspired by the Group of Seven exhibit at the Vancouver Art Gallery - in keeping with my birch tree theme. The second is a more abstract style I've been working on over the past couple of years with thick blobs of pure color and some drips in metalic platinum.

I like both but I'm becoming more drawn to the second painting as my life is so chaotic right now it really speaks to me. I really want a better job, one that pays well and with better hours - preferably daylight hours. There's little work around here. The employment help centre in town has job postings such as The Liquor Barn and I just can't bring myself to do that. Anyway, something will turn up if I keep looking.

A very nice friend of mine has purchased for me a membership in the local art group so that I can display my stuff in their gallery. I've had my work in there a few times before and not sold a thing - neither did anyone one esle (painters anyway). But it doesn't hurt to try again. The next exhibit is called "Go Figure" so this week I'll be working on a figurative painting. The exhibit is in March but I might as well get it done while I have a canvas. It's my last canvas and until I get a better job the moola is pretty tight around this place. It sure would be nice to get this house sold. My sister in Calgary has suggested the kids and I move there to be with her. I am very interested as it's a whole lot better in Calgarry economy-wise, it would be great to be close to my family for a change, and they have a great art scene there. Also a lot of culture and people with oil money. (Not mention getting the hell of this island and getting away from someone, who in fact just walked in my office without knocking and when he saw me typing on my computer asked if I was writing to my lover. Whatever.) But there are a few challenges that need to be faced first.

My birthday came and went without much hoopla. I was called into work on the eve and didn't get home until 5:00 AM. My poor patient son with whom I share a birthday, was expecting to do something fun and I was too tired after working all night.

Good news! A couple of great friends bought me canvases and another great friend took me on a fun day in Vancouver on Saturday. We spent hours at the Vancouver Art Gallery in the Group of Seven exhibit and I was blown away. Of course I have studied their art in books but to see it for real was WONDERFUL. I was so inspired by Lawren Harris' work that the next morning I got busy on the first of my 52 paintings. I am continuing with my birch tree theme - I've been painting birch trees for about a year and a half - and this time I'm including a beautiful background of sky, mountain, and light done in smooth strokes reminiscent of Mr. Harris' landscapes. The trees, of course, are done in my own true lumpy -bumpy, thick- paint style. I just really want to see that smooth, sharpness in the background and experiment in using more light coming from the sky. We'll see how it works for me soon.

One particularly interesting thing I realized while I was at VAT was that these famous works of art were not necessarily "better" than mine or more "professional". Whatever that means anyway because art is so subjective there really is no better or worse when it comes to art. But to me these paintings looked and felt as though they were executed with total confidence. Even if something was a bit "funky" or "wonky" the artist allowed it to be that way and carried on. That is what I am promising myself. No rubbing out of wiping off or painting over. I will just allow myself to paint and feel confident in what appears. I have to admit that I have gone back to the way I was painting a few years ago with more traditional themes. A couple of summers ago I was pushing myself to paint with a more modern edge, experimenting with abstract patterns and drips. With little success.
I really tried to notice in VAT what I was attracted to as a viewer of art instead as an artist and I was definately more attracted to images in which I could relate to; houses, towns, farms, water, clotheslines, flowers, and trees.

Aside from working on this painting I am in pursuit of a new and much better job. I have applied at Vancouver Island University as a cashier in the cafeteria - not exactly what I want to do but hey, it's a foot in the door. I hope to take some government funded courses and upgrade my office skills. There are regular posting for office support staff at the University and that is where I want to work. As a soon-to-be-single mother of three I need to be on a medical/dental plan. I need a good if not great income for someone who hasn't finished a degree yet and this is the direction I feel will be the best for me for now. I'm keeping my fingers crossed.
I'm waiting on a phone call so I'll throw on a load of laundry and get busy painting.

So, to continue quickly, I started selling my paintings before I'd even finished my first 10. I was so happy and optimistic for me and my new career as an artist. A self-taught artist. By the time I had 100 paintings under my belt I'd participated in numerous outdoor shows and markets. It was very time consuming, costly, and I am quite shy in public and not at all a salesperson. I lack confidence and even though I was selling some work and getting a lot of good feedback from people I was very scared and insecure and those are not good traits to have when trying to sell art or anything I guess. I was too fumbly and when someone was interested I would practically talk them out of it. I also priced my work very low - too low. I gave myself and my art very little value. But I never quit. I was working part time in a grocery store and raising my kids and plugging away at my dysfunctional marriage. I'd sell something here and there. I had two or three very loyal clients who, from the start, purchased a painting or two each year (and still do) and then I'd go out and get enough stuff to keep me busy for a while. I have to drive an hour to get to the store where I buy supplies so it's good to make it worth while. Then, in 2005, I was completely inspired to write a novel. My two younger kids, who were 5 and 9 at the time, liked me to tell them a story at bedtime and it had to be a different story each night. Talk about a workout in creativity. I know for a fact that I told them a new story every night for a year before I couldn't do it anymore, I had to refuse because my mind went blank at that point (I think I was just too tired) but one particular story grabbed them and me and what started out as an idea for a kids picture book turned into a suspenseful young adult novel. It took me about 6 months to write, including edits and rewrites, and then I gave copies to 10 people, age 9 to 75, and I got pretty good responses from all. I then spent a great deal of time researching and writing to literary agents and publishers, some times waiting up to 9 months for a rejection.
I continued to paint and was onto a new level with my art. A friend gave me the main sail from a boat he'd bought and I started to stretch large pieces of sail cloth over stretcher bars I made myself. These were 5'x6' and larger and I was once again in utter bliss. At least as far as my art was concerned because all the other issues were still constant. These huge paintings sold. In fact I don't have any left. They sold for decent amounts of money too, as far as I was concerned. Well under $1000 but hundreds more than I had gotten for anything else. Then I ran out of the sail cloth and it was too expensive to buy. So I was back to scrounging for money to buy canvas.
In 2006 we sold our waterfront house and bought a hobby farm. A big, old farmhouse and 5 acres with a horse and a duck already on the property. I thought my life would instantly be wonderful. My husband was working out of town and was only home on the weekends. The kids and I were so happy and relaxed though the week and then on the weekends we would tip toe and whisper and wait for Monday morning to come around so grumpy Dad would leave again for 5 days. In our defense it wasn't like he was having a bad time either, being away from us. He lived on his own and spent his evenings at a pub with his pals. He ate and drank and behaved like a single man. Which was why he was so grumpy at home; he wasn't used to being around kids and home was a reminder of how much money he was dishing out for a house he wasn't living in. But he was spending a lot of money on himself too. More money on himself in a week than I did for food and gas for the kids and I in two weeks or more. We should have done something at this point or earlier, probably before we bought this big house and property because it soon became too much. Too much for me to look after by myself and too much for him to pay for. He wasn't really making much money because he had started his own company and I wasn't making much, just selling the odd painting here and there. I couldn't find a publisher for my novel and I was becoming very depressed. I drowned my sorrows in wine, gained a lot of weight, and was pretty much miserable with every aspect of my life. My self esteem dropped even further. This carried on for three years then he couldn't live away any longer and when he came home for good, it soon became clear to me that I as shitty as life was, it was better when he wasn't around. I moved into our youngest son's room to sleep, hoping he'd get the message. I quit drinking wine (and anything else) and was working on my second novel, for adults this time, romantic/suspense. I was painting very little and completely focused on my writing while the kids were at school and I finished the manuscript in May. By June, 8 months had gone by since he'd moved home. We were arguing more than ever. He complained chronically about everything I did or the kids did. I was still sleeping in our son's room and I was going crazy wishing he'd just dump me. Our entire marriage had been rocky - I'd tried to leave him twice before, but he'd managed to talk me out of it - but it was obvious, at least to me, that neither of us were happy. Then, the day before our 18th anniversary, I came out and told him that I didn't want to be married any more. He was shocked. He was floored. And he couldn't understand that I wasn't leaving him for another man. He couldn't understand that I just wanted out! That was June of 2009 and here we are January of 2010 and not much has changed. At least not the living arrangements. He couldn't afford to move out and the house is taking awhile to sell. Had I been more successful or more confident or maybe a little smarter, the situation could be different. I was told that when you make a commitment in your life, that the universe steps in and automatically provides for you or sets up the necessary elements for what you want to start happening. I also thought, through my many years of studying the law of attraction (spending money on books and courses instead of on canvas and paint) that when you discover your true purpose in life, you will be successful with whatever it is. Or, at the least, you should be able to earn a living doing it. It should all flow. If creating art and writing novels aren't my true purpose well...I don't know what is. It's all I think about.
The other day my daughter, who is only 13 years old, reminded me that in order for anything to manifest, many things need to be aligned and that maybe there are just a few more things that need to line up for me to have the success and prosperity and happiness I desire. What a sweetie!
And so...this blog, this art challenge, this record of the first year in my 40's, the year I will become an independent (single) woman, and the effect all of this change has on my art, is, in fact, a distraction. Maybe everything that still must align will have a chance to align now that I am focusing on something else, something positive and creative. Maybe what I write will help someone else in a similar situation or maybe not. Maybe it's just therapy for me. Whatever, I am doing this.




The other night I couldn't sleep and I tried to calculate approximately how many paintings I've done in the past 10 years. I think about 200 at least. I still own 50 of them in my own collection and I have 7 paintings out in

I thought I'd take the time to review my art history while I still have several days before my challenge begins. Although I studied art history and english lit in college, I've never taken an art class beyond high school. I was always interested in art and making things and painting things and while I was still single I did dabble in painting with watercolor on paper. Marriage at age 21 took me out of myself and I became a follower. I dropped all of my interests to follow him in his interests (4-wheeling, boating, and partying) until I started having babies. When my second child was about 2 we moved to a very tiny town and I didn't know anyone for quite some time. I stayed home with the kids and to keep us all busy I started taking books of art out of the library - as many as I could carry. I'd study these books so well, examining each brush stroke carefully. And I borrowed art videos. I'd roll back the area rug, spread paper all over the floor and give the kids a big paint brush and bucket of water. We used the cheapest paint because I had no money at all. A year or so later I was pregnant again and we bought our first house. It was very dumpy but had a nice location right on the beach. I had another son and because I was sitting a lot, nursing him, I decided to set up my paper and paints on a desk beside my rocking chair in front of the windows that looked out at the ocean and paint. I painted every time I nursed and even when I wasn't nursing. I painted and painted and painted. Then some of my dear friends bought me a real canvas and some honest to goodness artist acrylic paints. Bliss! That was in 2000.
I'll write more later and post more of my past paintings. Our house is being shown today and I have to clean.

Birthday Challenge

It's Christmas day, 2009. In two weeks I will be turning 40 years old. I have decided to make something special of this landmark year in my life by challenging myself. Starting January 7th, 2010, I will paint 1 painting per week for 1 year. Each painting must be on a canvas that is at least 24" x 36" (I'm not a wimp). On my 41st birthday I will/should have 52 paintings and I will have my first one woman art exhibit some place yet to be determined. I have been selling my paintings for 10 years so it's about time I had some sort of show of my own.
Why is this a challenge? Well, because there's a lot going on in my life right now (I know...who doesn't?) such as the fact that my husband and I are splitting up after 18 1/2 years, our house is for sale because neither of us can afford to pay the mortgage on our own so we still have to live together (cringe, shudder), I have three kids, three cats, a dog and a horse (a 23 year old Arabian Stallion who will probably need a new home when we do manage to sell the house - no easy task getting rid of a stallion, let me tell you!), I work nights as a collator for a press, and I am trying to find a publisher for two novels I have written. This may not sound like so much to some people but I am an artist and artists usually need time and space and peace to paint. I, for one, like to contemplate, and with this much stress and pressure in my life it's very difficult to be contemplative. So, yes, I say, this is a challenge. But I think a healthy challenge. For some time now I have been learning about manifesting. I have studied dozens of books, bought and listened to CD's, watched DVD's, rented videos from the library, and spent quite a lot of money taking internet courses on the Law of Attraction. I can't seem to manifest anything (other than garden snakes and I'm petrified of snakes) - that is anything I want or supposedly asking the universe for. My daughter can manifest very quickly because she is able to forget or let go of what she wants. Challenging myself to paint all of these large paintings over a short period of time could be an excellent way of taking my mind off what I want, letting it all go. We'll see.
So, I should have my first canvas by January 7th, 2010, and have completed the first painting by January 13th, ready to start the next one.
I may include in this blog paintings I've done in the past. I also may include short stories I've written or excerpts from my novels. Like I said, we'll see.
Now I must go prepare Christmas dinner for my kids and my..ahem...husband.